Failed again

Here I am sitting in a chair at home in front of my jumbo sized LCD monitor with Adele and Maroon 5 blasting from my speakers feeling empty and weary. From what? Well I failed in grabbing a place in this year’s Schlumberger Vacation Trainee. Well it’s quite a blessing that I made as far as the final interview, regarding the obstacles along the way. But still, when you make it that far there’s that glimpse of hope to make it to the finish line, right? But no, God cut the cord and here I am floating with no direction, just desperate with a huge ‘WHY‘ and ‘WHAT’S NEXT?‘ on my mind.

Today, yet again, I face another failure. Failing and seeing your beloved best friend succeed is not easy. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve gone through in my 19 years living on Earth. And this is indeed not the first time. You feel sad because you didn’t make it but at the same time you put on a smile, a positive attitude to congratulate your friends and wish them good luck. It’s quite inevitable thinking: I wish it could’ve been me. I’m human, judge me for being a villain, well whatever. But that’s life. Shit happens but life keeps rolling, the clock keeps ticking, and the only right way to move is forward.

A bad habit of mine is tweeting in times of trouble. Yeah sometimes letting go means spilling and having everyone know, grabbing people’s sympathy which makes it a little bit better but sometimes a lot worse. That’s when WordPress comes to the rescue. It accomodates all these things popping in my mind, begging to be expressed. This time I try not to look so vulnerable from my tweets. All I tweeted was the fundamental thing from my emotional reactions:

I’m so curious of God’s plan for me, I’m let down in every opportunity I grab, might as well keep lookin, eh?

My mother, like every mother would do, coaxed me with simple yet true words:

Setiap orang rejekinya beda-beda, itu rejeki dia, tapi bukan rejekimu. Tetap berusaha, Tuhan punya jalan yang lebih baik untukmu, kita belum tau aja.

which means:

Every person has their own destiny. It’s her destiny, not yours. Keep striving, God has a better plan for you, we just don’t know what it is yet.

Sometimes what I don’t get is why is there someone that has the complete package and why am I left here having nothing? Well nothing is too strong, I don’t mean to sound ungrateful of the things I already have. But seriously why can’t I achieve something for a change? It’s quite frustrating and I’m still a hot couldron of emotions like sadness, self pity, confusion, etc.

So what’s my plan B? Well daddy has a backup plan, he’s making some calls and arrange stuff for me. Dad and Mom actually never wanted me to work at an oil and gas service company like SLB. Dad says it’s too hostile. My parents really urge me to focus on cosmetics. Mom even wants me to go to US to see schools and cosmetic companies. Well, that excites me. To be honest I’m more excited to focus on cosmetics because it’s something I love. And doing what I love for a living sounds so nice instead of doing dirty work that I’m not so in to simply for the cold fat bundle of cash. Well whatever it is I do not want to waste this vacation to be a couch potato, an internet slave, and a mall hopper. Period.

Oh well. Let’s just swallow this bitter pill of reality and keep moving forward. I hope I discover the good reason why this shit is happening. Until then, I trust my life in God’s hands. I don’t mean to sound so religious but in desperate and bad times, it’s a comfort to know God has a plan, He’s got my back, and just give in to the Almighty. This is my favorite psalm, Psalm 23. This psalm is widely known as a source of comfort. Here it is:

Tuhanlah gembalaku, takkan kekurangan aku. ( The Lord is my shepherd, there is nothing that I lack.)

Anyway I just realized that when I failed at HNMUN 2011 my father was hospitalized at that time and now when I failed at VT SLB my brother was hospitalized. That’s a lousy coincidence -_- Oh well, time to move forward and not let emotions and self pity cloud my sight for new opportunities. For me, it takes time to cope, but better late than never, eh?

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