Having 2 exams on Friday, an exam on Saturday morning, a 5 chapter closed book exam on Monday, and a parade of exams for this week. Including Saturday. In the morning. Yeaah, story of my life.
Having a bad combination of diarrhea and vomitting on Friday night after 4 hours of nonstop exams with another following one on Saturday morning. Fucked up is being so sick I was completely unable to study, let alone sit still without tossing and turning wanting to puke. Fucked up is waking up 3 hours before the exam not studying and panicked and still feeling like shit. Fucked up is only answering a morsel of the whole exam while everyone else is writing a storm of answers.
Having a lab report deadline on the same day as the 5 chapter closed book exam. Bittersweet is being visited by my family on Saturday and being taken out for lunch, dinner and shopping and voila, 6 hours pass without me being productive and still sick and weak but feeling better because my family is truly my mood booster.
And tough is…
having a crush. Yeah a crush: an opposite sex I’m attracted to. A guy I like that fits every criteria possible: the absolute criteria like religion, race (honestly I don’t mean to be racist, personally I wouldn’t mind dating a Chinese guy, or American, but it’s a strict family rule, age whatsoever, that has all I look for in a guy: in to music, good at playing music, not too nerdy but still smart, not too ignorant of style, attractive personality, good looking, and taller than me! The thing that’s bothering me is…he is already after another girl (well that’s what I heard from gossips, it’s either he’s hanging her on a line, still after her or already over her, I don’t have a clear clue). This is probably my low self esteem speaking: that girl is so much better than me: prettier, more popular, skinnier, dainty, you name it. She’s that girl that has all the traits you wish you had but at the same time she’s hard to hate. I know confidence is sexy. But when you’re up against one of the most popular girls. Yeahh, you know what I mean.
knowing that girl is missing your crush. Knowing that she has a pretty good reason to miss him.
Me being pessimistic: I do not stand a chance. I keep telling myself to quit the liking or else I’ll get hurt.
That crush is simply a crush. No moves are made. No hopes are high. Blame it on me being shy or just simply the bitter fact of maybe he still likes her and has never even considered me?
That tendency of a crush falling in to the friend zone. Or perhaps the bro zone. Not that it’s bad, I love having guy friends to joke around, go out and hang out with. But honestly it would be nice to have the extent of that.
The danger of wanting a relationship for the affection-give or take..not for the company of that particular person. We should all be careful about this..
Not knowing whether to give up hopes on him or keep chasing pavements. Not knowing for sure. Tough is left alone just wondering all the stuff we could have had if a move has been made.
Being swallowed by emptiness, numbness, self centered. Tough is forgetting. Do you know the movie Click, the part adam sandler goes auto-pilot? He does his usual routines without his soul’s presence? That is what I feel like.
Somehow I hope something will happen. Things will turn around. It’ll be nice to have someone to go to church with, have dinner with, someone to call, someone that will fill my inbox other than boring ‘jarkom’ texts. That special someone, that crush.
It’s not that I crave affection and attention, sometimes it’s the other way around. I have loads of affection, care, and attention in me that I want to spread and give to someone special 🙂
This is unlikely of me to be cheesy and mushy, but thank God it’s 3.45AM so the chances of people reading this (now, at least) are slim.
I don’t know.
Life has been pretty tough these days.
Facing it alone is sure making me become a tough cookie (I hope so, at least).