I’m currently in a phase when I’m enjoying being single, young, wild, free, legal, and 21. Like in the past few weeks I went out with different guys, terkadan ramean, kadang berdua. It has been quite enjoyable to pass time with different people, without expecting more or being attached. I’m not the guy magnet type that regularly goes out with random people so honestly, this is kind of new to me. But it’s light and casual, nothing sticky with the typical high school stuff. Just to talk and enjoy each other’s company. Or perhaps as simple as nemenin seseorang running an errand or even just makan atau apa gitu. Tapi yaudah, no feelings. Just friends. Friend-zoned? Well yeah I guess. Forever? Well, I guess it depends. That’s a thing guys need to understand. Friend zone is not a dead end. You can always step it up to the next level. But should girls invest feelings prior to that step? Well according to me, and my friends..nope. No way, jose.
That’s what I think I learned lately in my years of college…especially in an environment dominated by males. Starting out as a naive and sensitive girl thinking every bit of attention or nice move a guy gives to me means there is a special feeling has taught me the hard way to not get flattered easily. Like my best friend Elsa says, “Jangan investasi emosi…kalau returnnya belum pasti.” Hear hear! Ini efek ngambil mata kuliah SBM (Financial Planning) mungkin, jadi ikut diterapkan dalam kehidupan asmara. Basically investasi adalah menanamkan sesuatu dengan harapan bakal mendapatkan keuntungan yang melampaui apa yang kita tanam. Iya kan? As a girl, we can’t afford to do that kalau belum apa-apa, udah investasi emosi. Masih pdkt, udah investasi emosi. Even bahkan sudah di tahap relationship, tapi kalau hubungannya masih main-main, well be careful with investing your feelings and emotions. Melatih diri buat nggak investasi perasaan, has eliminated the driving force for expectations, and therefore, decreases your chance of getting hurt or disappointed.
Itulah sulitnya jadi cewek. Gue masih konservatif ya, I take a girl’s dignity very seriously…I won’t text first nor call first. As my mother would say, a girl’s dignity is not to be compromised. Sebagai cewek, moving on to the next level is not our call..but a guy’s call. Keputusan di tangan mereka, cewek tinggal approve or reject. My fucked up love life in my college years has taught me buat menahan perasaan. Going through a bleak break up early in college, being in an on-off blurry limbo (limbo: not knowing the result or next stage of something and powerless to influence it) with someone for a couple of years, and then just stuck in a zero gebetna & zero commitment status until now. Ketertarikan, ya pasti ada, I have hormones gitu, tapi untuk bisa seriously menggebet orang would take more than good looks, great musical skills, or smart conversations. It would take more effort and intention to interact deeply. I could have a crush one day, tapi ya udah sayonara.
Have I grown bitter? No, but I have better control of my flow of feelings. Has my heart turned cold? I don’t think so.
I have decided to invest my emotions on one guy that I know will definitely be a keeper. I don’t know if this mindset is right or wrong, but one thing for sure that it has hindered me from heartbreaks. Heartbreaks from longing for someone dalam ketidakpastian is a waste of time, energy, and emotion. Semakin bertambah umur (asik beut dah), well I feel that my ability to can identify my desires, my needs, my big no-nos has far improved. Knowing that is a start to know what you’re seeking for. I hope someday I find that one person, worth my emotional investment. Until then, I’ll just continue being 21, single, fulfill my responsibilities, nurture existing friendships, and make as many friends as I can 😉