Sometimes you get so used to being the one left behind, it’s weird, and surprisingly painful, when you’re the one leaving. The remorse of the failed attempt of the so-called relationship is weighed down by the guilt of being the one who called it quits. For a change, you’re the one that stopped fighting. You’re the one who threw in the towel. But remind yourself that you’ve fought. You’ve fought hard. You’ve compromised. You’ve tolerated things beyond your usual limits, in the name of love and commitment. You stood up for his faults in front of your loved ones.
But things do not turn out as you had expected. Your emotions tell you to stay. To hold on to hope that things will magically improve. You remember that quote: kill them with kindness. You are the tender, wholeheartedly loving and forgiving lady. But there is a fine line between being loving and being blinded. You hope that one day he’ll realize the disparity in this confinement of a relationship. You hope that one day he sees how delicate you are beneath those layers of self sufficiency. You hope that one day he can make some tweaks here and there to make this work. You hope that your sweet and tender presence can bring out that part of him you dreamed to exist. But honey, you have no power to change a man. No one does, other than that man himself.
Your brain and your best friend tell you to bail. As they say, if you have to bail, bail early. Because it’s easier to get out of a relationship than to get out of a marriage.
Even in the final moments of letting go, you still do your best to carefully choose your words to minimize hurt feelings, while on the other hand he does the complete opposite. Even in the end you feel guilty of breaking his heart. You forget all the times he has broken yours. Your friends tell you that you are too nice. The thing is, you remember all too well the pain of being let go. At times like this empathy is more of a curse than a blessing. You try your best not to feel his pain of being let go. Your logic and the support of your best friend buffer that pain. Do remember that every one deserves a happy ending….and a fresh start. And at times you have to respect yourself to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy.
So next time, when you cry yourself to sleep or when you wake up with that ache in that place they say where the heart is. When you find out that the sadness creeping in is not a dream, it is the bitter reality, the result of your brave decision to save yourself. Remind yourself that you’ve done the right thing. This pain is temporary. It’ll end. Maybe soon. Maybe later. But it will.
And when that pain ends, do not let these failed attempts define your self worth. Do not ever think that your failed encounters mean you are not worth of a successful encounter. Remember that quote you love, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent? Engrave it in your mind. Do not let this be a reason to push away people, to give in to fear of vulnerability to future failures. At the same time, do not let yourself fall in that same trap ever again.
Because honey, you deserve so much better.