Untuk Kamu yang Aku Tinggal dengan Diam-Diam


Matthias Church, Budapest, 2015

It’s strange how a song,  a scent, a face of a stranger, or a nuance can sound an alarm in your brain to revisit a certain memory. It reminds of you of an occurrence you have kept hidden for a while, tucked under layers of distractions. In my case it’s the following lyrics of a new single released by one of my favorite Indonesian musicians: “Izinkan aku pergi dulu, yang berubah hanya tak lagi ku milikmu.” Listening to the whole song from start to finish, it’s obvious how I’d strongly relate to it. And you, kamu yang aku tinggal dengan diam-diam, mungkin merasa hal yang sama ketika mendengar lagu itu, meski dengan perspektif berbeda, di lagu itu aku menjadi aku, dan kamu menjadi kau. Ironically, though this memory was evoked by this song, Pamit which literally translates to saying goodbye, that is exactly what I didn’t do. Aku tinggalkan kamu dengan diam-diam, which happens to be the exact opposite of pamit.

“Sudah coba berbagai cara agar kita tetap bersama.
Yang tersisa dari kisah ini hanya kau takut kuhilang.
Perdebatan apapun menuju kata pisah.” – Tulus 

Our bond was like cancerous cells, spreading to all parts of the body. Leaving it weak and in pain. It made me grow bitter instead of grow better. It was a gas chamber and I was gasping for air.

Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy.

I did what was necessary.

Untuk kamu yang aku tinggal dengan diam-diam, what I did was an attempt to save myself. Bear in mind that we, both you and I, deserve to be happy. Why hold on to something that is not worth holding on to?

So you may or may not be reading this, forgive me for saying goodbye this way. Forgive me for vanishing and keeping silent all this time, leaving you wondering what you did wrong (and if you’re still wondering, well..I don’t know what else to say). Well honey, you did me wrong. Big time. But I’m not writing this to rant on how much you hurt me and the permanent scars I have because of you. We have had enough fights that ended in tears and bitterness.

So, I am writing this as an effort to detach, to let go. I am writing this as a part of my struggle to forgive you. I am writing this to confront that struggle. To confront that it is not something that happens over night. Has it been weeks? Months? Nonetheless, I owe it to myself to do so.

We met for a reason, either you’re a blessing or a lesson.

Between those two, I guess it’s pretty clear which fits our scenario. I hope life treats you kind. You will always be in my prayers.


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